Don’t pour your heart out to an internet date!

Vulnerability

Vulnerability Is Not a Crime- Rape Is!

Emotional predators often strike when people are most vulnerable. They troll e-dating sites for the perfect target… someone who’s geographically desirable and recently divorced, recently widowed, or recently went through a break up…. the more painful the better!

Their concept of geographically desirable may not be what you think. For some, it’ll be the conquest that lives around the corner. For others, distance enables them to bob and weave to avoid expectations of consistency. While they’re not with you, they’re luring the other fish they’ve hooked on their line.

Don’t signal them that you’re vulnerable!

Sir GalahadMany rape by fraud scenarios begin as Sir Gallahad on a white stead swooping in to rescue the fair damsel. Having been through misfortune can easily make you a victim and blind you to the reality behind their charm.

They’ll ask loads of questions, and you’ll think, “Wow, this person really wants to get to know me.” And in a twisted way, you’re right.

They’ll sympathize with everything you say when you pour out your heart about your past love. That dirty dog who left you flat will be the scourge of humanity to them. After all, they’d never behave like “that” to someone they love. Problem is, when you’re dealing with an emotional predator, they’re not capable of love. They’re simply angling to win your trust.

If you provide enough information, they’ll determine what makes you tick, and then it’s easy to conjure up a hoax to reel you in. Saying the right things and becoming that person they know you’ll relate to is seductive. But defrauding a person for sex is not seduction, it’s a sexual assault.

Mischele Lewis, the victim in the recent NJ case that went to trial against William Allen Jordan, had just parted ways with her ex-husband when they met.

Successive breakups drove Lauren Lazarro of Florida into the waiting arms of a former officer on NATO vessels, raised by nuns, with a dreamy Italian accent. He lied about his age, a character distortion typical in sexual assault by fraud. While his sophisticated web presence made him appear to be an astute businessman, his sudden “illnesses” provided the means to gouge her of money.

Recent heartbreak is not the only key to vulnerability, however. A single Mom we’ll call Suki hadn’t been seeing anyone special for a couple of years before she was love-bombed by a Scottish musician. He claimed to be single and committed to creating a loving, monogamous relationship with her. Little did she know he was married and involved with a veritable smorgasbord of women, both locally and around the world.

Treachery in internet dating

fish hooksFour women recently outed the Marine Reservist, Psychologist, FBI Agent who charmed them all, while married to one of them as well as another woman. He kept them all dangling on a long-distance string. His favorite fishing hole, the internet.

The solution….

Finding someone you want to be with should not entail bearing your soul over past relationships. You need to be careful of the loaded question, “So how come an attractive person like you is single?” It’s meant to gauge the depths of your vulnerability.

There is nothing wrong with saying, “I prefer to discuss my romantic past with someone once I know them better.”  Don’t give in to the bait, “Well, how will you know them if you don’t share your past?”

Finding someone who cares about YOU is not about prior romance. It’s about who you are. Do you have similar interests, and similar values? Do you enjoy the same music, art, food. wine, movies? Are you both into traveling, sports, and culture? What’s your compatibility factor? So share your interests, but not your romantic history, with someone you just met.

By all means, don’t lie. You’re married, divorced or single. But don’t go into the gory details of what got you this way. And make sure to check ID for anyone you meet through internet dating!

Wanting to be loved is a normal trait

Unfortunately, we will often give great leeway to people who charm us by showing they care about our previous pain. We see them as empathetic, caring individuals and we respond with trust. A person who is guileless, expects the world to lack guile as well. But it is important in the age of dating perfect strangers that we ramp up protections to keep us safe.

fox and henAnd if you don’t succeed, it’s just as important to recognize that being vulnerable and allowing an emotional predator into your life, is not a crime. But defrauding someone of sex is, whether your state prosecutes it or not.

 

 

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8 thoughts on “Don’t pour your heart out to an internet date!”

  1. Predators will prey on whomever they want — sometimes the more secure they perceive you as being, the more of a challenge it is to them, and they like that — you’re a real trophy if they catch you. So while we should be aware of all this, in the end we as a society have to force the predators to stop attacking — not only build walls around ourselves.And it is extremely important to focus on what we want, not let guilt let us entice us to focus on his needs — and his needs are always to verbally jerk off on us, eg, “your’s so pretty, so smart, so funny, so sexy… “

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    1. You’re 200% correct that society needs to force predators to stop preying on victims this way! That’s why I’m fighting for laws to prevent the behavior, and appreciate the support of all who join in this struggle!

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  2. Great article. Also timely, as I saw one of the most abusive men I had dated (probably more abusive than the charismatic sociopath) a full blown narcissist.

    I saw his dating profile online last night. You know he calls himself ‘nice and lovely’ – when he is anything but.

    His advert screams out what a nice guy he is relaying in his speech that he is

    “I’m very laid back and not easily offended. I’m a gent and don’t take advantage of people.”

    It couldn’t be further from the truth. He told me how he had watched videos on youtube to manipulate people (another reason I knew he wasn’t a socio as they don’t need instruction videos) – he was anything but nice and since when have you known a laid back narcissist who isn’t easily offended?

    He does give the persona of a gentle guy and a gentle man, haha that is how he lures people in.

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  3. Lots of good advice here, Joyce. Predators have an advantage when they read someone’s profile and find out their interests — and a lot more — in advance of meeting them.

    Actually, I didn’t meet the psychopath who victimized me online; I met him at a dance class, through meetup dot com. I knew him for more than a month before we had a date, and we hadn’t spoken about our personal lives at all at that point…but he had already hooked me. I was at a very vulnerable time in my life, after being sidelined with an injury for a year and had become a virtual recluse.

    The biggest vulnerability of all (which might not be thought of as one) is simply wanting love, wanting a relationship. That, in and of itself, makes us vulnerable more than anything. The important thing is to just be aware of what our vulnerabilities are and know they put us at risk.

    The best things we can do are to have clearly defined boundaries, control the pace of the relationship (take things slow!), and know what we want so we don’t end up accidentally following someone else’s agenda.

    I’ve sworn off internet dating because it just wasn’t for me, and my last one was about a year ago. I was really just out experimenting with my new-found skills, such as being more concerned with what I thought of the other person than what he might be thinking about me (there’s nothing like that attitude to empower you and do away with the anxiety that comes with meeting someone new! I’m cool as a cucumber on dates now, and I can really pay attention to everything without all that social anxiety clouding my mind).

    On my last internet date I met a guy for coffee, and he said “I’m the kind of guy who’s really into a committed, monogamous relationship.” My reply was, “Great! If we hit it off, I look forward to seeing that in real life, over time.” Well…we didn’t hit it off, but my response to his claim reflected one of the most important things I learned from my experience — words mean nothing; actions are the ONLY things that count. So basic, but so easy to lose sight of that under a barrage of manipulation and love-induced hormones.

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    1. You’re so right AB! And emotional predators know how to stir up the chemistry that causes trust if we’re not consciously aware of what they’re doing.

      Looking at their character to determine if they truly have a caring soul should be one of our foremost concerns. But we often get blinded by the smoke and mirrors.

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  4. Great article! In my case, he didn’t ask me at all about my past relationships. In fact, I think it was a long time into the relationship before I talked about my ex husband at all. But I don’t have any living family members and I think that can be looked at like a treat for some predators.

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