And for me, it’s the saddest day of the year. The son who I adore estranged himself from me 8 years ago. It doesn’t get easier.
My son was conceived in rape.
As I lay in my husband’s arms the night my son was created, I surrendered myself completely. We shared the endearments that comprise seduction, the teases, the kisses, the passion, the sincerity of caring. He was my family, my home, and our sexual exchanges made me feel united with him.
We’d been through a difficult turmoil His ex-wife had disappeared with his children, my step children. I loved them as if they were my own. We’d built memories together that I treasured. This night, he had found the boys, and we were celebrating our mutual relief.
I got up in the morning and went to work like any other day. My husband had stayed later than his usual, explaining that he had an appointment to get to so he wasn’t hurrying to the office. He walked me to the door and embraced me as I left.
When I arrived home that evening, he’d cleared out all of the furniture in the kids’ room, all their things, his belongings, the property we jointly owned, and disappeared.
Some people think violence is the only way rape occurs
I can assure you that the defilement I felt by my husband’s sexual act of deceit was overwhelming. He was a selfish bastard who manipulated my caring for him to engage in sex that night. All the while, he knew he’d made arrangements to strip the apartment clean the next day and sever my entire connection to the family I held dear. The ramifications of having a child conceived by that horrific distortion has impeded my life ever since.
Rape by deception has long term effects on the victim
Nothing existed in literature at the time that enabled me to understand or come to grips with the defilement I felt. The baby’s father failed to support him, not through my pregnancy, nor through his critical, developmental years. He played a game with his finances that deprived me of support and kept stress at the forefront of our lives, even while living off the generosity of one of the wealthiest women on the planet. Think Elvis Presley, and multiply his wealth many times over! And, yes, there’s a connection, and it’s all spelled out in my book, Carnal Abuse by Deceit.
Even young adults can be alienated by parents. When his father returned to his life, silencing me became paramount to him. He didn’t want the world to discover what a heel he was. Since I’d been both father and mother, I was easily faulted for carrying out all the heavy lifting that keeps a child on track in a difficult situation. The allure, charm and wealthy lifestyle of his father, who did everything possible to undermine my sons’ view of me, drove a huge wedge between us.
Exposure is the sociopath’s greatest fear, and people knowing the truth would undermine his elevated status in the community he’d come to enjoy. My son gave and continues to give license to his father’s harm. If he actually took a knife and gouged my heart, he could not hurt me more.
His father has never apologized, and has never taken steps to correct the nightmare, both financial and emotional, he created.
A new person enters the picture
After not hearing a word about my son in over five years, I recently received an email from a woman who says she’s his girlfriend. She also said she was reading my book.
I’d parked my car in the garage and was browsing through the emails I’d received on my iphone that afternoon. One jumped off the screen at me because it contained my son’s name. I hadn’t seen his name in print for so long…. I eagerly read the message.
The floodgates opened as I sat there. The emotions over my son’s loss all came rushing back. I’d long buried them in a corner of my brain where they could no longer bother me, but there they were, streaming down my cheeks like a five year old who’d lost their teddy bear.
I debated whether I even wanted to respond, but decided to honor her outreach with a reply. I said that I was glad my son has someone who cares about him and I hope that she can help him with his abandonment issues. He had a troubled childhood, a father who abandoned him and a mother who was forced to work long hours to keep a roof over his head throughout his childhood and beyond. I also explained to her that I love my son from the bottom of my heart.
I have not heard back from her.
She’s a mother. And I hope, as such, she will do the right and decent thing and suggest that my son call his mother today and end the horrific rift that separates us. I’ll know her character by how she behaves. People without backbone sit back and watch all kinds of misfortune without stepping in. Their excuses are things like, “I didn’t want to be in the middle,” or “It’s not my battle.” Their fear of loss overwhelms their interest in doing what’s right.
What she may not suspect is that my son is watching her, just like I am. And he’ll know whether she is meek or strong by how she behaves. Doing the right thing takes guts and humanity. I’m hoping she has them.