The Hows and Whys of Maternal Alienation
Mothers pour their love into their children. From the moment our eyes meet theirs, we’re swept into the desire to nurture, protect, and provide for the development of our tiny charge. The concept that this minute human being could ever grow up to hate us is so far off the radar screen that it’s just plain unimaginable.
So what interferes with the natural bond that one puts their total faith in? Unless a child is physically tormented on a regular basis, it would seem that nothing could create a rift between a mother and her developing child. And society is all too prone to believe that separations of this kind indicate that the mother must be a heinous horror. It’s one of the reasons that women are all too silent about what actually takes place, and the abject cruelty they’re subjected to by the child’s father.
Nature vs nurture- a child’s development
Our children are not simply clean canvases on which we paint their character. They’re born with brain chemistry and infrastructure that affects their belief systems. And their ability to withstand undue influence is imprinted on them before birth.
Society is not well versed on the fact that psychopaths are born with basic nature that influences their tendencies or that children are at-risk of becoming psychopathic when they have a psychopathic parent. While bonding between mother and child seems to exist when the child is young and dependent, as the child ages, that may change. A child who does not bond based on “love,” but rather out of “need,” is more easily manipulated by external forces. Those forces can easily be someone the child wants to secure favor with, such as their father. Abandonment creates either hatred or longing that motivates the child’s perspective. It has a profound effect on their development.
It’s difficult for sole-support mothers to discern a manipulating motive behind a child’s bond when they’re growing up. Dependency in a child looks like love. It could be, but it may be nothing more than a desire for what the parent provides, and that mindset will become more apparent as they mature and become self sufficient.
Many psychopathic fathers use hostile devices such as their failure to financially support, lying and distortion throughout the legal process, threats of violence or kidnapping, refusal to co-parent in the child’s best interest, bad-mouthing the mother in the child’s presence, abandonment, and more. They can play a cruel game of beat the system over the financial support the child needs. They could simply want to get even with the mother. They could fear that their past misdeeds will be exposed as they move on with their lives….. after all, they can’t have the nasty truth following them around. So they go to great lengths to discredit the mother and shut both her and the child out of their lives.
A mother whose priority is the child may be bullied into the silence necessary to insure their protection. But, the child is deprived the supportive nurture by both parents that would encourage their growth into emotionally intact adults. Children who are financially, emotionally or physically abandoned by a psychopathic parent are at risk to become abandoners themselves, particularly if their own ability to bond is hampered by their genetics.
That is not to say that all children who are alienated are psychopathic, but children who are psychopathic are more readily alienated.
Will love conquer all?
Children will not be children all their lives. Real love between a child and a mother cannot be broken. And a child who is alienated, but truly loves the mother, may ultimately find their way back when the external force that keeps them separated has less influence.
Love, by its very nature, is forgiving. When anger occurs, the basic character of love will enable a separation to be repaired. Even in normal parent/child relationships, there could be moments when the two separate from discord, but their loving concern for each other will enable them to forgive and makeup. This is not true of children who are inherently incapable of bonding. They will find pleasure in inflicting harm and will perpetuate their anger in order to do so.
Because of the information that is now available on the internet, society has become more aware of the facts concerning the creation and existence of psychopathy and sociopathy. Often, when mothers are faced with children who, even upon maturity fail to be motivated by love for them, it’s necessary to recognize the cold fact that the child could be a psychopath. Signs include significant difficulty raising them with childhood episodes of delinquency, animal mutilation, expulsion from schools, gross disrespect for authority, inappropriate impulsivity, rule-breaking, oppositional/defiant behavior, etc.
You can’t live with them, and you can’t live without them!
A rift with an emotionally disordered child can feel like a double edged sword. While having their disturbing behavior out of your life can make you feel safe, the pain of loss is no less heart wrenching. In fact, it may be greater because you recognize they’re unlikely to ever bond.
Just as a husband can’t be cured of his psychopathy, your adult child can’t be cured of it either, and certainly not by you; particularly when their cruelty is directed at you in the most heinous fashion a mother could endure…. their deliberate absence from your life. They simply have no heart, no empathy, no conscience, no caring, and their love for you is as shallow as what you can do for them.
A split with a mature child, one that should know better, tragically succeeds in ripping the bond you feel with them to shreds. But how do you allow someone who deliberately hurts you at your very core to return to your life? Indeed, they are toxic to you. The best you can do is to tell them, “I love you more than life itself, but I’m through playing your hurtful game. So no, you can’t close this rift. Not until you recognize who you are, what you’ve done, and take convincing steps toward change.”
Loving your child should never include subjecting yourself to their intentional harm.