LGBT- Transgender Disclosure and Rape by Fraud

 

#CaitlynJenner and #rapebyfraud laws
Will Caitlyn Jenner support transgender disclosure?

I’d love to hear Olympic Gold Medalist Caitlyn Jenner’s take on transgender disclosure to sexual partners. Due to all the press she’s received, it’s unlikely that a person she engages in sex with would be unaware of her gender of origin. None-the-less, by her publicly supporting disclosure, she could help minimize the fear that transgendering creates in society.

Two consenting adults can do just about anything, but the operative word is “consenting.” Sex without disclosing what sex you actually are is not “consensual.”

I received this message from a reader named Alex:

Hi Joyce,

     I liked your  book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit”. It’s great that you are bringing awareness to the fact that sex by deception is rape.

     Unfortunately, you missed the most obvious example of carnal abuse by deceit. That involves transgenders or transsexuals. I have heard stories of men who had sex with an alleged woman, only to find out afterwards that it was really a man who had a sex-change operation. So a straight man was tricked into having gay sex. That is clearly rape by fraud in the first degree. Imagine how the man must feel. It is psychologically traumatizing.

    But wait! It gets worse. I have also heard stories of men who thought they married the woman of their dreams, only to find out years later that they were married to a transsexual and didn’t know it. That’s right, a man married a man and didn’t know it! How does the man feel when the love of his life turns out to be a man? “Betrayal” would be an understatement here. I don’t think there are words in any language to describe the psychological torment that the man will suffer for the rest of his life.

     But wait! It still gets worse. I have heard stories of men who unknowingly married a transsexual and went to their graves without ever learning the truth. That is even worse because they never even began the healing process. This is physical rape, psychological rape, and betrayal of the worst kind. Since there was no chance for the man to resolve this before his death, he must carry this deception with him into the afterlife, and into his Judgement Day. It is for that reason that I would consider it “spiritual rape”.

    I rarely hear any talk about this, but with transgendering becoming so common nowadays, it’s bound to happen more and more. Transgenders should be required to disclose their trans status to the other party immediately if there is the slightest chance of a romantic or erotic encounter. Failure to do so is rape. It shows the same lack of moral compass you talked about in your book. The transgenders in these cases care only about themselves, with no regard at all for the suffering they cause to others. 

      It would be great if more people would talk about the trans issue. With the recent explosion in the transgender population, this is something that will have to be dealt with. In the UK, they have the Gender Recognition Certificate (GRC). It is required for transgenders to get married. It means they must disclose to their spouse that they are transgender. It is shocking that the trans lobby is actually fighting this. How could they marry someone without disclosing that they are trans? It shows zero respect for the other person. That is a classic example of psychological rape, as well as rape by deceit.

    Thanks for your help on this.

Transgender2I understand Alex’s point and wholeheartedly agree with him that people who are transgender should be required to enlighten their sexual partner BEFORE engaging in sex.

In business, in schooling, in housing, licensing, and a host of other one-sided benefits, a transgender person should not be deprived. And doing so is a blatant act of discrimination. But when it comes to sex, there are two people who have rights. And to the sexual partner of someone who is transgender, the person’s sex of origin can be critical to their decision.

Determining who to have sex with is purely a private and personal matter that’s up to each individual. If it weren’t, everyone would be required to have sex with  everyone else who wants to have sex with them. We all know that’s not how it works.

What may seem shallow to some people is of utmost importance to others, including wealth, status, religion and age. You can tell me those selection criteria are shallow and discriminatory ’til you’re blue in the face, but it’s still the innate prerogative of the person to make a choice when it comes to who to have sex with.

Gay or trans panic defense

Is killing a rapist legal? No it’s not. And for that reason, I support CA Governor Jerry Brown’s repeal of the defense that enabled offenders who murdered non-disclosing (treacherous) trans and gay lovers to wiggle off the hook.  The defense is based on the concept that the act is so offensive that it causes a psychotic break with uncommon violence.

But let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water! To many men. having sex with someone of their own sex is a defiling abomination, not an offense a person has a right to subject them to. They feel sexually violated, and with good reason! The same holds true of women. Just ask the victim of Gayle Newland in the UK who was convicted of rape by deception for pretending to be a man in order to engage in sex with her.

While it should never be okay to murder someone, it should not be okay to rape someone either, and the transgender person who falsifies their actual gender should be held accountable for their misdeed. Any state that wants to follow California’s nullification of the gay or trans panic defense should first enact a sexual assault by fraud law to protect the public.

It’s your body!

I truly feel for people who struggle to cope with having been born in “the wrong body.”  And I applaud modern medicine for making anatomical changes available in today’s world. While the transition is less than perfect, it’s a relief and a privilege that doesn’t entitle the person to treacherously deceive others. You don’t get to fool people in order to have sex with them.

If telling the person that you were not born an anatomical woman drives them away, that’s their right. You are not entitled to have sex with someone when their  entire basis of having sex with you is fabricated. Find someone else who accepts you as you are.

No one finds universal acceptance in this world. And that holds true whether they’re straight, gay or transgender. There are things about each of us that rule us out when it comes to our desirability in the eyes of others. That’s human nature, not discrimination.

I hope Alex will be happy to know that this and all types of romance scams would be covered by the language of Catfish law.

#####

Addendum: A very interesting discussion on this topic is taking place on this  link.

 

© Joyce M. Short, All rights reserved

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12 thoughts on “LGBT- Transgender Disclosure and Rape by Fraud”

  1. You’re working very hard to continue the narrative that trans people are deceivers and rapists and are not really who they say they are, exactly the narrative that is used to justify their harassment, abuse, and murder. The extreme danger to trans people is exactly why it’s so difficult for some to disclose to someone new.

    While I agree that it’s really important that trans people *should* disclose to partners as soon as possible, mostly that’s because of the possible danger, and because I don’t think trans people should get stuck with people who would hate them. Most trans people these days either disclose immediately before dating, or carefully gauge the other person’s possible reaction conversationally before disclosing (for their own safety from being murdered), but do disclose before sex, or at the latest before getting into a continued sexual relationship. It’s smart to bring it up pretty early, regardless of the law’s opinion.

    I don’t think they’re rapists for trying to engage in a normal sex life as their authentic selves and leaving their painful past behind them, and I don’t think the law should require them to disclose their birth sex any more than it should require anyone to go into any other particulars of their medical history (with the possible exception of STD status).

    Let me give you an example: if you REALLY don’t want to date someone who was born with six fingers on one hand that’s absolutely your right like you say, to choose who you have sex with and no one can say what is “shallow and discriminatory” about your choice of partners – like you say. But does that mean someone who had an extra finger removed as a baby is a RAPIST because they didn’t tell you they had a finger removed, before having sex with you? You felt strongly about some quality of their birth and they didn’t disclose it to you so… by your logic they have raped you?

    How about something more directly related to sex: What if you felt very strongly that you REALLY didn’t want to have sex with someone who had been sexually abused as a child (maybe because you were suffering from trauma of your own past abuse, or because having sex with an abuse victim would make you feel like you had contributed to suffering – but in any case would horrify you deeply)? It’s your right to decide that, certainly! And as you said, your criteria are your choice and no one can tell you they’re too shallow or discriminatory, right? If a person had sex with you without disclosing their abuse history, by your logic wouldn’t they be a RAPIST just because they didn’t disclose something in their past that would be important to you? Would you fight to get a disclosure law for that?

    Maybe if they have a mental illness? Or an abusive alcoholic parent (such that you would worry they’d become an abusive alcoholic parent and would prefer to stay away from having sex and possibly having kids with them)? Or they had a parent of a different race that could affect the ethnicity of a child resulting from the union – some people do feel VERY strongly about race, so is your partner a rapist just because they didn’t mention they had a black father and didn’t know you were a racist? (I’m not calling you a racist, I’m just giving hypothetical examples using the same logic you are using, with different base conditions)

    Or maybe if you have a particular requirement that would be SO VERY important to you that you would consider them a RAPIST, you need to make that clear before sex so that the person can disclose if they meet or fail to meet that particular requirement – and they are not a rapist for not guessing which things out of their past would upset you. “It takes two to tango” as they say.

    For a trans woman to say she is “really a man” would be a lie, every fiber in her being would tell her that is a lie – THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT. They are not becoming *false* by transitioning, they are becoming *true*. Whether you agree with them about their own identity, that doesn’t give you a legal right to define it – that right is their own, and they have never been truer to themselves or lived more authentically to their identity than when they have transitioned. That’s not “misleading” anyone.

    Saying a transgender woman is “really a man”, and that they are raping people by lying about their identity shows where you currently stand on this issue, and it’s not on the side of the law, psychology, or trans people’s rights or humanity. I understand this issue is new to a lot of people, but I would invite you to educate yourself on the perspective and experience of trans people themselves, and not on the fundamentalist screeds of reactionary transphobes.

    And Caitlyn Jenner is a reality TV dumbass. No trans person I know wants her speaking for them. Maybe listen to the charming and funny Laverne Cox instead, or some older authors like Kate Bornstein or Julia Serano (your mileage may vary with any one person speaking for an entire demographic of people of course).

    I apologize for being brusque and confrontational, but several of my closest friends (and several past lovers) are trans and I’m tired of seeing such kind, wonderful people demonized and criminalized with such harsh accusations… but not nearly as tired as they are, I’m sure.

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    1. Balderdash!

      You are agreeing with what I said and disagreeing with it at the same time.

      This is truly absurd!

      Sex is about sex. Your sex matters in sex. To think otherwise is ridiculous.

      I am neither demonizing, criminalizing, nor making harsh accusations, nor am I “adding to the narrative that trans people are deceivers and rapists.”

      Only trans people who are deceivers and rapists are deceivers and rapists, just like only non-trans people who are deceivers and rapists are deceivers and rapists.

      Not everyone who states the word “transgender” in an article, is putting them down or throwing inflammatory stones.

      Transgender people live in a world with other people. And those other people have rights, just like they do. The person they chose to have sex with is as entitled to fully informed consent over their reproductive organs just as they are. Consent requires being fully informed and knowledgeable. Agreement without knowledge and information is not consent, it’s assent. Consent, not assent, is required in sexual relations.

      It is not okay for a transgender person to impose their values on someone else. The only way they will know if it’s okay with the other person is to have that discussion BEFORE they have sex with them. No one should have sex with another person by denying them their right to consent.

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      1. I said it’s a good idea to disclose, because of the potential danger to them.

        Did you even read anything I said? If you’re convinced that trans people are not who they say they are, and that only they and not anyone else, are deceiver and RAPISTS for not disclosing their full medical history, then no you don’t get to claim that you accept them.

        If someone has such a problem with transgender folks that they would feel raped or violated, as with any other *special case* like the examples I gave, they should let their partners know. Like I said, it takes two to tango.

        You’re singling out transgender as a special case where *they are the problem* so the onus is on them, because you believe they’re not who they say they are. You already said a trans woman is “really” a man. That line of thinking is the root of all abuse against them, and it’s a dangerous preconception (and misconception). People don’t become deceivers by being authentic to their identities, just because *other people* have a problem with them.

        I invite you to read again what I already said about it, with an open mind. Don’t look for one sentence to pick apart like you did. You are smart enough to know that’s disingenuous.

        Take it in, and consider carefully. Or, fold your arms and shake your head, and call it balderdash, stay stuck in your preconceptions, and perpetuate harm by singling out trans people as is the fashion these days in North Carolina, Mississippi, Kansas, et al.

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        1. Jessica-

          It’s not just a good idea to disclose…… failure to do so infringes on the other person’s rights to sexual autonomy. The other person has rights too! You don’t seem to get it!

          Trans people are fortunate that they live at a time when modern medicine can provide them with the appearance they want…. but they still can’t turn a man into a woman. They can only make a man LOOK like a woman. Or make a woman look like a man. Come back and talk to me about their becoming a woman when they can give birth.

          Trans people are not changing their sex. They are simply changing their appearance. And if that’s what they want, they are entitled to do so.

          But they are not entitled to pretend to a sex partner that they are a different sex than what they were born with.

          If it’s ok with their partner, more power to them. But treachery and deceit are not ok when you have sex with someone. It’s not okay for anyone, trans or not!

          NO deceit…. nada…. not for any gender, not for age, not for marital status ….. not for anything. Don’t lie to get laid!

          Don’t impose your desires on someone else through the use of . treachery. Treachery invalidates consent.

          I’m not singling out trans people. That’s just plain hooey. Every person has the obligation to be truthful to their mate about their identity characteristics.

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          1. So you just resolutely don’t believe trans people’s identities are valid or that they are who they say they are, and steadfastly refuse to address anything else I said or any other point I made. Okay. We can only repeat ourselves so many times, I already made my points clearly (I thought). There’s no debate when one side is disingenuous.

            I sincelery wish you the best in the crusade against rape by fraud, and I’ll hold out hope that someday your understanding of trans people’s issues evolves.

            And your basic understanding that not all women can give birth (and they don’t become rapists by not disclosing that fact before sex, even though the ability to conceive is something some people feel very strongly about), and women’s rights are not contingent on their capacity to breed.

            I’ll hold out hope, but I definitely won’t be holding my breath.

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  2. Alex,

    Too often, people simply have no respect for the feelings of others.

    A transgender male lacks the anatomy to give birth. While they have the outward appearance of a woman, they are truly not a woman.

    While society should accept and respect that they feel more comfortable living this way, than remaining with the anatomy they were born with, undergoing a modern medical marvel does not give them the right to deceive when sexual intimacy is taking place. Their sexual partner may not want their genitals touched by a male. And that’s their right.

    I truly hope Ms. Jenner weighs-in on this subject!

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    1. In the UK, transgenders are required to disclose to their spouse that they are transgender. There should be comparable laws in the US and worldwide. The trans lobby opposes such laws on the grounds that it violates their privacy. That is nonsense. There is nothing private about one’s gender. Certainly, a person has a right to know their spouse’s gender. That’s a no-brainer if there ever was one. It is complete narcissism to believe that others should be forced to accept the adopted gender. Marriage by deceit is betrayal of the worst kind. The proper thing to do would be to disclose the truth immediately upon meeting a potential mate. If the other person is all right with it, then it’s no problem. If he’s not all right with it, then he’ll leave. But either way, it’s not a problem. Why would they not disclose? It’s in the best interests of all parties involved to disclose immediately.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. People mislead others because they are selfish. They lack the emotional empathy to see how their distortions rob the person of self-determination over their reproductive organs. It’s that simple.

        Whether a big lie… I’m a woman when you’re really a man, or a little lie, I’m 33 when you’re really 42, they are both designed to do exactly the same thing…. deprive the person of “consent.”

        It’s one thing to try to attract a person by lying. It’s quite another to actually manipulate their way to a person’s genitals.

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  3. Thanks for the article, Joyce. This is something that will have to be dealt with eventually.

    Based on the only survey I’ve seen, there are about 2 million people worldwide who are married to, or dating a transgender and they don’t know it. It is deplorable for it to happen once. God only knows how many people have had sex with a trans person and they don’t know it. That is clearly rape, because it is not consensual.

    If Jenner is a spokesperson for the transgender community, then he should be the most outspoken advocate of mandatory disclosure laws. To say nothing is to condone rape. Even without such laws in place, there should be a code of ethics among the trans community that disclosure should be immediate if there is the slightest chance of a romantic or sexual encounter.

    It’s an ugly subject, but one that must be addressed. President Obama has been completely supportive of transgenders, but he has never mentioned anything about disclosure. I would like to know where he stands on this issue. – Alex

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    1. You used the term “LGBT.” Just as a note, many LGBQ people actually hate the transgender movement. For decades, gay, lesbian, and bisexual people worked hard to form organizations to help get laws passed to protect themselves from hate crimes, discrimination in housing and work, and to allow them to get a civil marriage or a civil union, under the government. Then, the transgender community parasitically attached itself to the LGBQ movement, turning it into LGBTQ or even removing the Q, resulting in LGBT. They then fed off the legitimacy that the LGBQ movement worked for decades to establish and started getting laws passed that protect their own personal interests while largely discarding others’. Seriously, if you go to one of these “LGBT” meetings now, all anyone talks about is transgender issues.

      The transgender community makes the claim that gender is innate and corresponds to sex (i.e. masculinity = male, femininity = female), while the LGBQ community largely objects against this, knowing full well with their butch lesbians and effeminate gay males, that it’s not always so clear-cut, and that people are individuals. In addition to that, while LGBQ people worked hard over the years to be out in the open and to get protections to allow them to be known as LGBQ while not having to fear for their safety, transgender people take the opposite route, actively working to cover up the fact that they are transgender. They continuously seek to pass laws allowing them to change official paperwork, to have their preferred pronouns used by others, and to not have to disclose their transgender status to lovers and spouses. The transgender community also has no respect for sexuality. Do you know the term “glass ceiling”? Well male transwomen came up with the term “cotton ceiling.” “Cotton” refers to women’s underwear and “ceiling” refers to the fact that they want to break through it. (If you find that disturbing, I completely agree.) Now, why would they want to do this? Because male transwomen argue that they’re “real women” and “really female” even if they’ve had no surgery or hormone treatment, and that they’re as entitled to relationships and sex with lesbians as natural-born females. They claim that lesbians are transphobic, hateful, and responsible for discrimination that results in transwomen being killed, just by refusing to date them or have sex with them. This intolerance of lesbians extends to taunting, death threats, stalking, and so on. Gay males have received less obvious intolerance (which they assume is due to the fact that female transmen are intimidated by them more than male transwomen are by females), but they’ve also been victims of this inappropriate behavior. Recently, a female transman tried to keep a gay bar from opening in Vermont because they claimed that the name of it was a pejorative term for transgender individuals. Yet, there was no documentation of the term being pejorative. They fought the man who was trying to open the bar, tooth and nail, all for a term that wasn’t actually pejorative. In addition to this, male transwomen routinely disrespect the sexuality of heterosexual males by claiming to be women and female and entering into sexual relationships and even marriage without informing them of their transgender status. Even bisexuals have been targeted by the trans community, if they should dare reject a transgender person in the context of dating. Forget the freedom of choosing one’s own romantic partners.

      If you look at the site DataLounge — a very openly gay site — you’ll see how little LGBQ people are on board with the transgender movement. It’s just that they get no-platformed, harassed, and otherwise mistreated if they say so. LGBQ people are also a minority relative to the general population, meaning that there aren’t as many of them to be heard when it comes to objecting against this.

      Are there transgender people who are homosexual? Of course. But, please be aware that transgender people do not speak for all people included in the “LGBT” label. Many LGBQ people are more than willing to drop (or even drop-kick) the “T.” And it will help that much more to have support from straight individuals. So, I would encourage everyone who feels deep down that this group is deceptive and malicious, to do something about it. Get together with LGBQ individuals and create an alliance. We all deserve to have the opportunity to make lives for ourselves and that should be done with respect to each other, not with deception. If we’re careful about who we elect to office, keep pressure on organizations and individuals who seem to be condoning this deceptive behavior, we can make it harder and less legally defensible for these people to do these things. We should also spread the word that transgender people routinely deceive others. Many people get tested for STDs before beginning a sexual relationship with others and at that point, they can add on a sex-typing test to verify for their partners that they are the sex they claim to be. Once this becomes routine, these deceptive individuals will have a lot harder time hurting others with their deceit. — And it is deceit, by the way. When a person says that they’re straight (i.e. heterosexual), what it means is that they’re interested in the opposite sex, not the opposite gender (http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/heterosexual) and when someone says that they’re gay (i.e. homosexual), what it means is that they’re interested in the same sex, not the same gender (http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/homosexual). And, sex is about your reproductive capacity, not your personal feelings or sense of identity (http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/sex http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/male http://dictionary.cambridge.org/dictionary/english/female). That deserves to be respected. A male transwoman’s gender identity is not more worthy of respect than a straight person’s sexual orientation. If they’re interested in entering into a relationship rather than a fraud, then you need to give respect as well as receiving it.

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      1. I appreciate your thorough explanation! Thanks very much!

        My personal view is that there should be acceptance for everyone’s sexuality, but that should not contradict the necessity of disclosure when you appear to be a sex that is not genetically accurate. While people have the right to alter their appearance, their sexual partner has the unequivocal right to know and decide what is best for them. Deception undermines a person’s self determination over their reproductive organs.

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        1. Thank you for allowing me to contribute.

          Personally, I’m uncomfortable with people altering their appearances and presenting as the opposite sex because it feels deceptive to me and also because there are certain social interactions that are sex-specific. That said, I do recognize bodily autonomy as long as someone isn’t committing self-harm. I also agree that people should be respectful of others’ sexualities. Any meaningful relationship relies on a firm foundation of trust.

          When I say that certain social interactions are sex-specific, what I mean is that there are many interactions among female-only groups and male-only groups that can only comfortably and effectively occur when all the members are the sex that they claim to be. For example, let’s say that a (female) woman went out with a group of assumed-to-be female friends over the weekend. They went out to lunch, a movie, and then did some window shopping when walking around town. Then, they went back to their friend’s house for drinks and to wind down. Now, during the course of the day, one of these (female) women got a new shirt. Wanting to try it on and share it with the rest of them, and assuming she’s in female-only company, she takes off the shirt she has on and puts on the new shirt. Now, the reason that she was comfortable doing that was because she assumed she was in all-female company. I can’t think of one (female) woman that I know who would be comfortable changing in front of a male person. This is a normal behavior among friends that could result in a feeling of discomfort or violation if such a person realizes that her friend was actually male. The same thing applies to males. What if there were a (male) man who was having intimacy issues? This is a very sensitive topic, so he invites over a close friend, they have a few beers, and he discreetly mentions the issue. Now, do you think he would’ve mentioned that issue if he’d known that he was speaking to a female person? I can’t think of one man I know who would.

          So, while I do recognize that it’s up to the individual what they do with their body, I also feel like a lack of willingness to be honest about their own identity could understandably and deservedly result in a loss of friends and romantic relationships. Because, speaking personally, if I changed in front of somebody who presented as the same sex, but ended up being the opposite sex, I’d feel very violated. The same thing applies if I revealed sensitive biological/intimate information to them.

          There’s also a natural disconnection which occurs when one does not have the same visceral experience as the person that they’re talking to. For example, how could a male transwoman relate to a (female) woman who’s mentioning something about menstruation? And, how could a female transman relate to a (male) man who’s mentioning something about their biology? In each case, there’s no visceral understanding of what they’re going through. They may have learned more about the opposite biology than an average person, as part of their transition process and attempting to “pass” as the opposite sex, but they still don’t have that visceral understanding. Something which really highlights this for me is the claim many male transwomen make about understanding menstruation. They have no wombs, they don’t even have a hormonal cycle (their hormone levels stay the same all month, unlike females), but there are many of them who claim to get PMS. I find this not only ignorant but disrespectful. No male knows the reality of living in a female body and no female knows the reality of living in a male body. And, understanding that one cannot know is important because it means that one is more open to asking and listening to others who actually understand that experience. When one presumes to know, this shuts down the communication process and ensures ignorance. And, this can be seen in comments made by (female) women in response to these claims made by male transwomen. They’re consistently very insulted by this misappropriation and misinterpretation of their reality of being female.

          So, while I’d say that I do respect the autonomy of transgender persons, I feel that at this point, it’s largely disharmonious in relation to other people. That is a problem that really needs to be corrected. There is nothing about being transgender, suffering from gender dysphoria, or transitioning, that makes someone ‘less.’ But, there is something wrong with infusing those experiences and processes with deceptive and dishonest behaviors. That is not okay.

          Thank you again for allowing me to contribute. I send my best wishes for us all to encounter good, honest people in our relationships.

          Liked by 1 person

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